So many of my motherhood days lately have ended in pure defeat. To say it has been hard would be a total understatement. I read today (via Sanctification and Spit up – follow her she is AMAZING!) that some children just need more; more time, more patience, more love, more of me. And to be honest I don’t have more. I am depleted. I am exhausted. I am weak. But none of that changes that my E is a “more” child. He always has been. He is stubborn and strong willed, like his mama. He is busy and an always thinker like his daddy. And he is an empath in all the ways. He is a sponge to what is around him. He is intuitive. He feels your joy and your pain. And with this comes BIG feelings all of the time. For he holds yours and mine and his – just like his mama.
He is my more child. He needs so much more of me. And on days where I don’t have that more I often feel like I’ve failed. But what I realized is maybe E doesn’t need more of just me, maybe he needs more of Him – more of Jesus. I was never meant to do motherhood based solely on my ability. I was never meant to have all the answers. I was never meant to be enough. Because if I am enough, I forget I need Jesus. If I can do it in my own power, let’s face it, I will. But if motherhood brings me to the end of myself – then I will fall on my knees. I will remember that when I am weak, and He is strong. That I am dependent on a God who loves deeply and gives all we need for freedom and healing and restoration.
“Be assured. I know you are weak, but I am strong. Rest in my power and let my grace take over where your efforts end.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 (*Shanna Noel paraphrase)
There is nothing he can’t do or accomplish through me. Where I lack, He is able.
So, in the dark moments where the outbursts have lasted hours – where there has been hitting, throwing, crying and destruction (from E not from mama!). When my E can no longer calm or see, or remember who he is or whose he is. When all of my efforts have failed – when I know not how to help or how to speak truth or love or light or life into my son.
GOD IS THERE.
He takes my hand and says move aside – let my grace take over here. Your efforts are not in vain, but I am love, I am light, I am truth, and I know you and I know your E like no one else can. I see you. I see him. I see the pain, the tears, the struggle and I am here. You may be weak, but I am strong. Fall on your knees and allow my power to calm this storm. Yes, your E is a more child but only because I have created him for more. He will do BIG things for my kingdom. He needs more because he is more and I am more.
So today I start with this promise – not more of me, but more of Jesus.