MISSING THE BEFORE
So many days of motherhood for me look like this: sitting in the car while the baby eats and the big enjoys whatever activity we’ve attempted. The schedules are hard. They never line up. The age gap is significant right now. So many of the things the big wants and needs just don’t work with the babe. So here I sit while dad and E enjoy the hayride. I snuggle and feed. But family time is what I wanted – I want to be together and most of the time it looks like this: moments together, but mostly a part.
I love being a mama to two, but some days I miss how it used to be. I miss getting to experience everything with E. I miss being his favorite. I miss the ease of one schedule to worry about and my type A, perfectionist personality misses the ability to make a plan and know it will work out that way.
I love this baby with all of my heart, but it’s okay to miss the before too. It’s okay to miss my big and the way we used to be.
But today, I’m okay with this. Just being with my family however and wherever that is. It looks vastly different then I pictured and hoped the day would go, but with the mere moments of time we have with all 4 of us, it’s okay. We were here. We were together. And it will only look this way for a little bit longer.