Sometimes this mama gig makes me feel trapped – like part of me is gone. I miss myself…my hobbies…my interests…my passions. Heck, I miss peeing by myself and having time to take a shower. I miss going for a run whenever I want and actually wearing make-up and getting my hair done.
If I am honest, sometimes I miss freedom…date nights and reading books.
I miss my old body and feeling confident in my skin. I miss shopping for the latest trends.
I miss not being exhausted and uninterrupted sleep. I miss sleeping in past 5 AM.
But most of all I miss ME. I miss being confident in what I do all day instead of doubting and wondering if I am enough as a mama. I miss the lack of pressure and the idea that I have to do all the things and do them well. I miss the balance of being able to clock out of my job.
But then, in those wee hours of the morning my babe giggles for the first time and lights up to the sound of my singing. But then, my 4-year-old snuggles up to me to read books for our special time and he lights up whenever we spread love and friendship to our community. He says things like… “I like watching you give to others, mama.” And “I want God to be in everyone’s heart…can he do that, mama?”
And all that I feel that I lost? All that I miss?? It just doesn’t matter anymore in these moments. Because this? This mama thing is the work that is the passion…it is the only thing that matters. And in the stress of it all – no sleep, no showers, tantrums, and aggressive boy moments, I am going to remember this. I am doing okay. I am here, I am present, I am intentional. My boys feel seen, feel heard, feel loved. The rest? It just doesn’t matter in comparison.
Xo - B