Depression is hard. Depression as mama is hard AF.
Before I became mama, I didn’t need medication to manage my depression.
Before I became mama, I knew how to “manage” or “handle” it.
Before I became mama, I could take days to wallow in my darkness.
Before I became mama, I could practice self-care.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. But I am high-functioning, which is just a fancy way of saying that even in my darkest hour I can get shit done. I can put on a smile, plow through the “to-do” list and seem normal to those around me. This was all fine and dandy before I became a mom. Because before the “to-do’s” were from 9-5 and then I could cave at home, alone. But now? Now I am on call 24/7 – all the freaking time and there is NO ROOM. No room to say not today and stay in bed. No room to sob on the bathroom floor. No room to give up. No room for a sick day.
Being a mom is all day every day. And my babies need mama out of bed. They need smiles, and giggles and play. They need to be fed and changed and bathed. They don’t wait for depression. Their needs are and always will be more important.
So yes, depression is hard, but depression as mama is nearly impossible. Every day it has to go into a box, and every day I wonder when it is going to implode.