232 Days

232 days. That’s how many days I have woken up feeling sick – vomiting, all day nausea and constipation all the time. While the severity has ranged, it has never gone away. Every day I hoped, but every day I was met with nausea. And at 33 weeks pregnant you kind of loose hope that it will surpass before the baby arrives. Every day has been a struggle – a struggle to eat, a struggle to drink water and a struggle to play with my active toddler.

My mood has ranged from hopeful to despair and depression has nearly swallowed me whole. It is isolating and limiting and hopeless. It is misunderstood and misrepresented even by doctors and midwives. Literally no one understands unless they too have walked this journey.

The comments are so hard to swallow.

“I was sick too – nauseous every morning. Threw up a couple times. But once I ate breakfast I was fine.”

“Have you tried ginger?”

“Have you tried Unisom and Vitamin B6?”

“It will go away – you just have to push through.”

“Maybe you aren’t relying on God enough. Maybe you are focusing on the bad instead of his power to heal….”

Now I pride myself in being a strong woman – a push through and get it done type of lady. As someone who has dealt with chronic pain, migraines and digestive issues my entire life, I know what it means to push through and I have a very high pain tolerance and high capacity to do so.

But this? This has nearly broken me.

Vomiting 5-7 times a day. Living on French fries and fried eggs because they were easy to go down and come up. Water immediately being projectile out of my body. Black outs and dizzy spells. Hospitalizations and the suggestion of weekly IV infusions (even now at 33 weeks) and home IV infusions. This has been my reality for 232 LONG days. This is what pregnancy looks like for me. And this is why I am praying that my son will come early and I refuse to feel guilty about it.

Yes, I want him to be safe and to be healthy, but I also just want him here and out and I just want to be DONE with this season of life. My body has been used and torn apart enough already.

SO if you are wondering how to help….what to say or what I need. Here it is:

Prayer. I need prayer that this baby will be healthy but that he will get the H-E-L-L out of my body NOW.

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Remember, you were never created to do it all and you were never created to do it alone.